| Friday, January 29, 2010 |
| After enjoying a full-time leisurely life for about a month, I had decided to set my mind on finding a job, which I successfully did but failed to take up. I should stop going for interviews for jobs that I eventually turn down despite the acceptable salary. Am I too picky or am I just pretending that I want to work? ...I think take my breath away is such a hot song, i think because i always associate it with Top Gun. So here i am listening to the song while eating tortilla chips with marks n spencer's fire roasted pepper salsa dip. I have indeed put on weight. |
| Wednesday, January 20, 2010 |
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Am I memorable? |
| Tuesday, January 19, 2010 |
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last night, i burst into tears when i found out that some freckles appeared on my back which used to be flawless and white. today, my lips are swollen and my face and body hurts like hell, i am the same colour as mr krabs at the back and there are suddenly many lines appearing on my face. thus, my face looks like it's going to crack. i am honestly depressed and still feel like crying. so much for going to picnic and suntan at the beach. my skin is not used to such intense sunlight. to hell with all of those who have ever told me i was too pale. i like how i had been extremely fair. This was before getting sunburnt:  And after, not so red and lips not swollen yet but looking positively worse:    |
| Thursday, December 31, 2009 |
| Identity Crisis at age 18. Could it be?? |
| Wednesday, December 09, 2009 |
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The holiday season has made me lazy to update. or maybe it was only out of boredom that i had written here before school ended. Today, it feels too good to be able to allow myself to succumb to inertia.... So i had signed up for the SAL JC law programme and i should say it was a good experience..was an eye-opener,and i met some really fun and nice guys in the law profession. for two weeks i kind of enjoyed dressing in vests and shirts and blazers and going to court albeit only a few times. This is me in the formal attire that i had to wear on a day when i get to go to the supreme court. (These pictures were taken after work) x After the job-shadowing ended, there was my college's prom immediately. Then there was brother's 21st birthday bash, and other parties like that. I'm happy to have done lots of catching up with friends, make new contacts on top of that, do some sports, party hard every now and then(and never got drunk, what an achievement! heh.) I'm basically bumming around while waiting for 2010 to start doing more productive things. Also, kelsonn recently bought the sixth(the ills of consumerism..)guitar in the house and i am finding myself attempting to strum again and it seems like we've formed a guitar club in my brother's room. I think it is doing things like that that nurtures my peace of mind and i want to start doing that. I want to plan a holiday trip with myself or someone i like. one of the things i used to enjoy the most is travel... and my dream is to travel alone some day, where i will roam alone and go back to my roving, brooding ways. =/ now i am going to my room to pull the covers over my head and pretend to sleep until i fall asleep. |
| Monday, November 02, 2009 |
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After the exams i want to hold a party and play music by Queen all day and night. - I'm trav'ling at the speed of light!!! I wanna make a supersonic man of you! |
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i think i have Sleeping Sickness. i'm mildy relieved that i have only a week left. because when time is up, it means that i am left with no choice but to not study. i will finally feel less guilty about not studying every single minute because im distracted by nothing but my own thoughts. and maybe i can stop castigating myself soon. -ordering in breakfast at 4.30am in the morning. postscript. i cant stand it when i'm studying and i notice things in other colleges' econs prelim answer key like the word 'PROGRAMME' after the word 'SPUR', or in my geography notes, 'INVESTMENTS' after the word 'FDI'. what the hell is programme programme or investments investments? yes, everything annoys me these days. |
| when i don't sleep all night all my senses heighten..particularly my sense of touch at my fingertips. they feel extremely sensitive in an unpleasant way. and i dislike the frigidness of dawn. but why am i always awake? |
| Friday, September 25, 2009 |
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Why did you have to show me the James Jean series- Prada bags. NOW I WANT TO GET IT. it's been a long while since i indulged myself.. here's also what else i want to do, but after november- first thing after my last paper is to meet jc who's coming back to be emcee for his cousin's wedding this november, then, to change the style of my hair(soft curls or bop short?), continue with my PPX treatments, watch musicals, check if i still like reading, teach phonics or learn to teach phonics, and maybe learn muay thai! list is non exhaustive. as of now, all i do is use the internet, sleep or study. adding to my horrors lately, my mom has joined facebook and has apparently seen pictures of me from my cousin's profile...i pray none of those were of my pubbing days. plus,my sister is on facebook,too. and when i peeked at her photo albums one day i saw secondary two boys posting comments liberally about ME in a picture of me and her. yikes. lucky my mom or sis are not my 'fb-friends'. i hate social networking sites even though i'm a victim of one. mmhm. my life is so mundane that i talk about things like these. i cannot wait to be happy from december until april. /by the bye, jt left for america recently.called him before he left. think i might haven been a tad too emotional when i was saying goodbye. slightly too expressive? was kind of sad, i must admit. but i realise that it makes no difference. it's not like we even meet, we are hardly like friends now anyway. but then again,i am an expressive person by nature.shouldnt fault myself.. my thoughts are all over the place now. i cannot recall what we talked about except that i told him about my dreams again. why do i always tell him about my nightmares? sleepily, he said that he thought i wore specs,and had no contact lenses,or something. blabbering nonsense because he was half asleep? just like him to forget things about me, sleepy or not. i couldnt help noticing that. at least that's not important now. he doesnt bother coming to talk to me or anything and i thought that maybe we should be estranged from each other forever. i wanted to block and delete him from messenger(just like what i sometimes do to random people for fun,haha.) anyhow.. so i wanted to be estranged with him forever, in that way....... Not really. decided against it because that would be too romantic. can't be bothered anymore. bad impression. just as if with all the other people that i can't be bothered with now. sigh,i just want to be close with good people. |
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I miss being on a cruise ship! it's absolutely boring and laid-back (i like that.) Found some interesting photos of a few years back when i still wore studded belts because it was punkish, was more tanned, fatter, and on the best of terms with my brother- +247.JPG) +191.JPG) +196.JPG) i realized that my face has never changed. everyone else has faces that change so much. |
| Sunday, September 13, 2009 |
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GREAT.....it's encouraging to find out one day before your prelims is that you got your examanition dates wrong and therefore have studied for or sacrificed the wrong subjects. how horrific. never mind, on the brighter side, i should be relieved that this is happening for the prelims and not the real thing. this is the last time i can afford to make such a huge boo-boo. anyway,i really appreciate so many friends who are busy and stressed out themselves yet constantly and patiently motivating me, telling me to get out of bed,literally. i am eternally beholden to you. |
| Friday, July 31, 2009 |
| i dreamt a weirdest dream. i dreamt that i told a boy that 'i can only love you momentarily'. and that was all that i remember of it. |
| Friday, July 24, 2009 |
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I spent hours at Mt Alvernia today because i was involved in a car crash this morning. a pick-up crashed right into our car from behind and the wind shield shattered. i was literally showered in glass like it was raining glass. thank goodness for the spare tyre at the back side of our car to cushion the impact. and also that the worst injury i suffered was only a whiplash. but it made me decide for now that i would never get a hatchback car in future,or that i would never secretly have my motorbike license. the A's are getting so close, too close. and ive been wondering whether i'm wasting my time going to school at this crucial period, since going to school disrupts my revision(waste of time+makes me sleep all afternoon) yet i've been going to school and paying attention the most i have ever in this two years. my best attempt to liven things up for myself is by talking to my friends and admiring a certain one of the two geography tutors of my class. other than that, for most of the time now, i am very very disheartened. and it is soon turning into despair as i am beginning to believe that i have deteriorated so much... i'm even starting to believe that alcohol made me stupid. i'm never touching that poison again for as long as i can! ..things are so awful, i'm so dejected by my grades....worst point in my life. but i guess i just have to suck it up. |
| Tuesday, July 14, 2009 |
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because of the examinations, i had planned to forget about my birthday but i woke up on 3 july and was quite surprisingly reminded of it when i found on my phone's calendar a 'Birthday' reminder that says my name. and i thought that a sad reminder.. it was like how people who have died should never leave bits and pieces of themselves behind... however things didn't turn out bad at all, so here's a big Thank You to everyone who has made my birthday,albeit belated, so good.  this was my third birthday cake this year  flower power from tmxm  a very touching self-made present from rachel! which really surprised me.    love the chocolates from taiwan from Friend. it's so queerly delightful to re-arrange the letters and choose the flavour of chocolate you want to eat.   the first card i received this year, sent personally by cycling from yishun to yio chu kang! by claudie, kelsonn, huiwen,  a wonderful present built by them.    Gucci bag and wallet from Mummy,not forgetting the card.    wonderful dinner from daddy who never fails to take me to a nice place for dinner every year.     and about a hundred more pictures.the week exams ended saw me exercising,shopping, playing. in a fit of anger one afternoon, i think i exercised too hard so that my back and shoulders and waist dont ache from the exercise but hurt as though i'd pulled or twisted something. also, by sunday morning i got into a feverish and painful state, sleeping almost all day and all night until now. I willed myself to school on monday morning but was home by noon, slipping in and out of dreaming and waking, feeling delirious from nightmares of gore and blood and murder and waiting to die. it's crazy how my mind can conjure these images that are so unassociated with my life. now that i'm sick when it's time to go back to school, i actually feel worried and guilty. |
| Monday, June 22, 2009 |
| hung on every wall are aviation pictures with edges yellowing before disappearing into their frames. i didn't know Kawasaki manufactured planes too. favourite picture was the one of the first and earliest forms of aviation. im not sure if the nautical-themed design of the room fits with the pictures of the aeroplanes but it that reminds me of sailors, ships and vessels. a stereo playing oldies like 1970s ballad,Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill and I've Never Been To Me, songs that were on America's billboard Hot 100 Singles chart twenty or thirty years ago. i love neon lights and old-fashioned barber poles. |
| Wednesday, June 17, 2009 |
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this should be the last venting of my frustrations: i should've trusted my still-rational mind the very first time. it would be good for me to not be together with him. why would i still want to hang on to someone who was going away? why would i want someone who has been totally ANAL about me from ever since the beginning,right till even the end. a boy who doesn't appreciate me is simply not good enough for me. yeah so what happened ever since we split? why did i become irrational? why should i be so pained and lovelorn every moment,when he is thoroughly over me?when he only cares about how he feels and his own well being? but realizing what i am to him, where i stand in his heart is really helping me see things a lot better now. it's almost like finding out the person you love is an enemy,and all your dreams have become something that you never want. it's so sad that we should have our heart and our brain in one body. *It seems so much like our relationship has gone through a twist of fate because of one decision made.it wasn't wrong,but it seems to be the start of everything that changed everything. |
| Tuesday, June 16, 2009 |
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you're so pompous that you told me i had it all going for me. why does sentimentality put some people off? about every guy friend of mine has told me that guys are jerks, they change their hearts quickly, can appear to be nice one moment, and turn cold next(and i will always remember this-a month ago you were still part of his life, a month later he wants "privacy from you " ), that it is in-built. i guess that is what makes it a bigger blow-when a guy whom you and probably everyone else could've sworn was a nice person, is in actual fact a cold, hard person inside. and the worser blow is when you suddenly find out that he is a pretentious person who doesn't have much self-awareness.and who truly believes that it is entirely your fault,that he didn't make the very first mistake to have allowed more bad things to happen. bla. it is not fair that i'm pained everyday and i'm not even allowed to complain about it. fuck! So i found out that the solution to it all? it is to take the whole experience cheaply. take things lightly,like a guy. because some guys like he will not be ashamed to just tell you that he "doesn't like people being emotional"(while he hears you crying and hurting over the telephone), and not cringe at himself when he tells others that "she's very emo". i'm trying my best now not to feel disgusted,because i need to let go. afterall, the opposite of love is not hate. this is also since he will not hesitate to say that he has no love for me at all because this.guy.is.completely.over.me. oh,on top of that,no girl deserves to be treated inconsiderately/badly/heartlessly when she tells him that she loves him. what a disgraceful thing to even write about. i guess then i need to find myself back, and built back everything that i've lost. the positive side is that i'd have learnt to be stronger because i had experienced the most hurtful things before. i reckon this would also help me learn to move on more easily in life..............but of course not be TOO good at moving on. hateful feelings aside, more than it shows whose wrong or not, it shows the magnitude of a person's love for the other. and..on a lighter note, someone said something really funny to me today- i cant believe u fell for him candace even a PIG would feel something well.. whatever the case, and after SO MUCH...i forgot, he is going to another place,anyway. and i suppose that makes nothing matter technically. it is like an anti-climax. that fact alone has made everything actually pointless,in reality. and i guess it also makes things so whatever and easier to give up. he has a brand new life/away from everything he used to know/everything going on for him, who would care? i wouldnt either if i was in his position. i shouldve woken up from the start. because i have my future ahead of me too. so lesson learnt. and anyway,emotions will run dry. |
| Tuesday, June 02, 2009 |
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Shakespeare at fort canning park... wasnt terrific. or maybe it was not my kind of thing because picnic while watching Much Ado About Nothing made me feel drowsy after awhile. Huda was also falling asleep in front of me. Nonetheless, it was a nice experience... I saw Dick Lee there and took another picture with him. it felt so good standing close to him. i wanted very much to talk to him but when i glanced up and saw that my friends were all looking at me.... i got the cold feet and decided not to become wild with excitement. or perhaps i just don't like him as much anymore. nice. this song has such sad lyrics............ but so what? it's funny how i always don't give up easily at all but when i do, when i finally make a judgement(if it's bad),then i start to really condemn a person. i think my emotions are very extreme like that. Someone you used to know It was helpless anyway There's nothing much we could do or say Darling don't you think it's a shame? that it had to end this way So here's to say goodbye, our love is lost, and we cant figure why maybe it really is about time that we finally made up our minds So Darling, here's to you i hope that when you find someone new that she would always be true to you to love and understand you Soon you'll build new memories then slowly you'd forget about me then i would slowly be a distant memory Soon i'll just be that someone you used to know But darling you will thank me for letting you go time is not for wasting i hope you'll find your intended But i'm sorry that your intended isn't me it's not an easy thing to shake off our history i know that's what you want from me but they will always stay with me i admit i made mistakes but darling with you it's just the same if we stay there will be more to make i dont know how much more we can take Darling, it would be unfair to stay with something no longer there but it doesn't mean i no longer care but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear |
| Wednesday, May 06, 2009 |
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it's a strange and sudden feeling- emptiness, how it makes you feel surprisingly relaxed, after the tempest inside you dies down..because you don't specifically look forward to something everyday, you don't expect anything -not a text mesage, or someone to meet after school, no one to miss or want to call, other than your usual circle of friends and family of course, nothing to feel concerned about, no one to specifically think of everyday even though he passes your mind as a fleeting thought in everything you do, like a shadow that you notice from the corner of your eyes, something you only watch when you're alone and feeling vulnerable or when you're wallowing in maudlin feelings while listening to sentimental songs. and it breaks the heart to think that maybe one day, that shadow would slip away and maybe you would not even notice its absence anymore. it's even more of a shame to think that there's a possibility you might start to feel that it was a wrong one in the first place. i hope i don't ever get these feelings of relief.. |
| Friday, May 01, 2009 |
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it's a first that i'm actually writing here about my feelings for a boy... i guess i have been rather sheltered from sadness all my life, so i'm not familiar or used to such immense pain, for a great guy whom i once told i loved immensely. and i am struggling... to cope.. to fight back impulses to run to him.. i hope i find strength and courage to not just go through this year of emptiness and A levels, but complete it nicely. this year aside,i can see how my life is going to be for now- because i've realized that my feelings for him is not something that i actually want to cease having, even if we never ever meet again. i couldn't bear using the computer and i dont know if i shall ever write here anymore. perhaps i will, or perhaps i won't. |
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| Wednesday, April 15, 2009 |
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http://motherbird.com/poem20.htm truly the saddest |
| Wednesday, April 01, 2009 |
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there's a fear of relationships becoming toxic. fear of temporal things yet also of all mistakes not temporal (of things un-mend-able). of yielding to pain, crumbling, caving in. fear of hereafter. by the way my will to fight is zero be it tenacity or agression, having an obdurate spirit or a bicker. scared of feeling her heart rest heavily on her bed as she lay it sideways every night. but if you lie on your right then the heart does not reach the bottom. |
| Saturday, March 21, 2009 |
| i think i mistook dull pain for boredom previously. a pain so dull i thought it felt like boredom. |